Trying to Find Reason


Has something terrifying ever happened to you and you try to find reason for it? Only, you can’t. Some of the roads we walk on get bumpy. Some of them have obstacles that are so freakin’ hard to overcome. Some we want reason for, but will we ever have reason?

I don’t like to get overly personal on this blog. It’s a wellness blog, after all. But, mental health is just as part of wellness as anything else. I am trying to find reason for why depression hits. At least one of my special loves has been struggling and it has been exceptionally difficult the past few months. A downward spiral.

Being an outsider looking into the darkened hole that depression has on someone is very scary. And oh so real. Depression can make someone feel like they are not worthy of your love. That hurts. When you love someone so much you just want them to feel it too. You want them to never worry that your love is fleeting. It’s unconditonal. The darkened hole doesn’t let that person see that.

I hate the darkened hole. I want to punch it. I want to blow it out like a candle. I want to replace it with love, hope, faith, and everything positive.

But an outsider can’t do that.

It isn’t my place to control the demons that live inside someone else’s mind, but damn do I want to. I mean, I have my own, let’s be real. We all do. But I am strong right now to fight mine off. Someone I love so dearly isn’t.

The darkened hole takes away strength.

Fuck the darkened hole. Why does it bring so much pain and sadness? The darkened hole doesn’t just affect the individual it resides in. It affects everyone that loves the individual. And yet we can’t fight that darkened hole. We can’t be the bodyguard our loved one deserves. We just have to wait. Wait until our loved individual gets the help that he or she needs and develops the strength to win the battle.

All I can do is have hope. All I can do is pray.

I am not that patient so hoping and praying only is a little tough for me . I am going to do it though. And I am going to learn to be patient. It takes a season to melt away ice from Winter so I know it will take just as much, if not more, for my loved one to overcome this. I will be there to support and love. I just hope that support and love is for the taking and isn’t disregarded because the darkened hole replaces it with unworthiness and feelings of just needing to end it.

Back to positive. I won’t focus on that. I will just keep my love and support readily available. We have a treatment plan and professionals are in this field for a reason. There are many people that overcome depression and lead happy, healthy lives. I want that so badly for this person. I want the smile back.

I find music to be therapeutic during tough times. I have always loved the song, “Family” by Matt Wertz.Today, the words mean so much more. If you have someone you care about going through a tough time, perhaps you may find the words to be therapeutic too.

I’ll begin
I know you’re scared
No one told you then “Be this”
Feeling frail
With so much to bare
I know it’s not fair
But what is

When push starts shoving
You’re left with nothing
Just know we’ll always be family

Don’t give up
When the road gets rough
Cause we’re flesh and blood
I’m here for you
In sinking sand
Just grab my hand
And with all I have
I’ll hold on

Oh, when push starts shoving
You’re left with nothing
Just know we’ll always be family

After all that we’ve been through
I will walk with you

Oh when starts shoving
You’re left with nothing
Just know we’ll always be
Oh when starts shoving
You’re left with nothing
Just know we’ll always be…family

Thank you friends for reading my thoughts today. I am not giving up. Love has to conquer all!!!!!!!