Life is so different for me now. A few days after my brother died, I read some of his writings. One of the things he wrote was not being afraid to die.
I don’t know what this means. I’ve always been the “careful” one.
Always playing by society’s “rules”, I set goals and go after them. I have had years where my focus was solely on success and not on the journey to get there.
Perhaps that is what he meant. Enjoy the journey. But, I also think he meant more than that. I think he meant to look fear straight in the eye and tell it to shut the hell up.
That’s hard. But it wasn’t hard for him. And I admire that.
Nick came to visit me and my son 10 days before he died. I was so excited that he was coming over and I grew anxious at his arrival. I called him and left a voicemail, asking where he was and what was taking him so long. He arrived about 4 hours after I thought he was going to arrive. After we hugged and said our hello’s, he told me he took the long way on his scooter to enjoy the sunshine. Nick passed by a catfish restaurant and decided to stop for lunch. He also ran an errand for our younger brother. My brother was spontaneous. And when he told me about his journey and how much he enjoyed it, I smiled. I love that he could find joy in the simple things. He also wasn’t afraid of what I would think about him taking so long to get to me, nor was he afraid to spend that much time in the open air with crazy Texas drivers.
I truly hope Nick wasn’t afraid to die the night that he died. That’s one of my concerns that is hard to let go about the accident. I can’t help but wonder if he was just a little scared right before the maniacs creamed him.
Anyway, I hope that someday I can smack fear in the face and live like I am not afraid to die. I do know I am a little less afraid to die. And it is weird, because the death fear came up for me right after the birth of my son. I guess when you have a child everyone’s mortality starts to get a little scarier. I hated thinking about what could happen to him, to me, or to my husband. It was scary and still is. But, now that I have had someone so close to me pass on, I am not as afraid as I was. I know that when it is my time, my brother will greet me with open arms. I just wish I didn’t have to wait for death in order for that to happen